Sunday, June 2, 2013

Sorry, sorry, sorry

I am so bad at posting. Sorry y'all xD

But, here I am! And here I will stay!

So, a quick update. First, I am fat. I have been horrible with my eating :(

I sprained my ankle, so that means no exercising, and since it is summer I have no school to cover up eating. My parents also found out some of my new friends smoke, so they barely let me out of the house. Luckily, they don't know what they smoke xD

I still see my therapist once a week, and she is putting me on Abilify. I read that it makes you gain weight, so I am terrified to start. I am fat enough as it is! But I guess when I am not depressed all the time I might be more in control of my eating. Who knows?

Since I have had no self-control lately, I have been purging at least twice a day. Not a fun habit to get back into :(

So, wish me luck in pulling myself out of this slump! I love y'all, and thank you very much for sticking with me :)

<3 Teri

Thursday, May 16, 2013

I Need Some Sleep

     These have been a pretty hectic few days. To say it shortly, here are some of the highlights of my past week:

~Had a mental breakdown to my mother, almost sent to hospital
~Tried laxatives again
~Skipped swimming/polo 4 days in a row
~Attempted to OD on sleep-aids, got wimpy and only took 100mg; completely freaked out BF
~Lost my V-card
~Once again, living in my psycho head

     Huh. What a week.

     For the past few weeks, I have sort of disappeared into my head. I am back to my old habit of staring ahead and zoning out, and have gained a renewed interest in drugs and alcohol. I have also been feeling especially promiscuous(what a weird word xD) and have been using my BF shamelessly.

     I thought, when we started going out, I actually liked him a lot, but he is just another tool in my messed-up life. He helps me feel better, mentally and physically,  and really cares about me. I am not heartless; I do feel horrible about using him. But, hey, we are both happy, so who is getting hurt?

     I know, I am seriously messed up.

     I hate laxatives, by the way. It took them 8 hours to work, which happened to be the only time I was actually out of the damn house.

     The mental breakdown was pretty creepy. I bet I looked possessed; I sure felt like I was! I was talking in a weird voice, and I was saying things to my mother that no person should ever have to hear. I started laughing uncontrollably about halfway through and threw things. Well, I always knew I was crazy.

     Now, about the ODing. Lately, I have been majorly depressed, excluding a few minutes here and there of insane, irrational mania. In one bout of depression, I cut my thigh for the first time in 7 months, then got into my stash of sleep-aids I keep in my room. The usual dose is one pill, and I took four. I was going to take the last three I had with me, but instead I called J, my BF, and talked. He has done several different drugs in his life and has been over a month sober of all drugs (excluding alcohol, but hey, he is basically a sailor) and completely freaked out when I told him. He has this thing about protecting me, which can be annoying but is also comforting.

     Last but certainly not least, my eating. First, I am fat. Fatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat. I hate myself and my fatfatfat body. But, partly due to my depression and partly from a family-therapy session, I have been eating my puny little heart out. I need to lose weight for the summer, though. And I will. I will not convert back to bulimic. Never.

     Hey, I just noticed how many meanings my URL has! it is justanapplease. It can be read as: Just a nap please, just ana pplease, and just an apple(ase). Hahahaha, just thought that was really cool :P

     Sorry about the craziness xD Well, thank you for being here for me, and much love :)

     <3 Teri


Rerun

     Hey, everyone! I used to have a different blog, but had reason to believe that it was discovered. So, here I am, back again.

     I would keep my name, but I don't want to be traced in any way. Maybe I am just paranoid; who knows? For now, call me Teri. I have always loved that name and tell strangers that is my name, so I think it is perfect for now.

     I am sending the link here to all of my subscribers, since I do not want to lose any of you!

     For anyone who has never met me before, I am Teri, a teenage girl struggling with an eating disorder. I am in therapy, even though I feel like it is useless.

      Really, other than "eating disordered", I have no identity. I got lost in the search for me, instead dubbing myself as "Miana" and going on my merry way.

      So, hello, and welcome. And sorry, I won't always be this formal xD I have had a very long, eventful, and stressful day. I will document that in a second post so it will be separate from this initial greeting.

      Thank you for being here with me :)

       <3 Teri