I Need Some Sleep

     These have been a pretty hectic few days. To say it shortly, here are some of the highlights of my past week:

~Had a mental breakdown to my mother, almost sent to hospital
~Tried laxatives again
~Skipped swimming/polo 4 days in a row
~Attempted to OD on sleep-aids, got wimpy and only took 100mg; completely freaked out BF
~Lost my V-card
~Once again, living in my psycho head

     Huh. What a week.

     For the past few weeks, I have sort of disappeared into my head. I am back to my old habit of staring ahead and zoning out, and have gained a renewed interest in drugs and alcohol. I have also been feeling especially promiscuous(what a weird word xD) and have been using my BF shamelessly.

     I thought, when we started going out, I actually liked him a lot, but he is just another tool in my messed-up life. He helps me feel better, mentally and physically,  and really cares about me. I am not heartless; I do feel horrible about using him. But, hey, we are both happy, so who is getting hurt?

     I know, I am seriously messed up.

     I hate laxatives, by the way. It took them 8 hours to work, which happened to be the only time I was actually out of the damn house.

     The mental breakdown was pretty creepy. I bet I looked possessed; I sure felt like I was! I was talking in a weird voice, and I was saying things to my mother that no person should ever have to hear. I started laughing uncontrollably about halfway through and threw things. Well, I always knew I was crazy.

     Now, about the ODing. Lately, I have been majorly depressed, excluding a few minutes here and there of insane, irrational mania. In one bout of depression, I cut my thigh for the first time in 7 months, then got into my stash of sleep-aids I keep in my room. The usual dose is one pill, and I took four. I was going to take the last three I had with me, but instead I called J, my BF, and talked. He has done several different drugs in his life and has been over a month sober of all drugs (excluding alcohol, but hey, he is basically a sailor) and completely freaked out when I told him. He has this thing about protecting me, which can be annoying but is also comforting.

     Last but certainly not least, my eating. First, I am fat. Fatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat. I hate myself and my fatfatfat body. But, partly due to my depression and partly from a family-therapy session, I have been eating my puny little heart out. I need to lose weight for the summer, though. And I will. I will not convert back to bulimic. Never.

     Hey, I just noticed how many meanings my URL has! it is justanapplease. It can be read as: Just a nap please, just ana pplease, and just an apple(ase). Hahahaha, just thought that was really cool :P

     Sorry about the craziness xD Well, thank you for being here for me, and much love :)

     <3 Teri